I tried to remember bit by bit so there is something I can remind myself with next time it comes. This was my second. The first one was far too vague, I couldn’t pick the meat out of it.

I couldn’t shake it off. I was already both silently and audibly screaming, ‘God, remind me of happy thoughts. It’s so painful.’ Like a cloud of emptiness embraced me and wouldn’t let me go. Too tight it was choking me in my own tears. It was too cold the little chills running up and down my spine and my nape were too heavy it felt like they grew feet. The only kind of goosebumps no one should ever have to experience. The chills go up to both my ears it felt like it swelled of pain and threatened to burst. ‘Lord, it is pain ful!’ My chest felt so hollow I felt like scrambling to get a grip on something or I will drown into nothingness.

‘God remind me of all the people who love me, of your love for me. I know it is true but I can’t feel it right now. Take away this pain, God.’ I was pleading, weeping and begging so hard my voice failed to escape my nostrils.

I forced myself to remember my trips to Venice, sitting at a Trattoria enjoying my birthday lunch and getting a picture taken by my sister. Happy thoughts. Then the chills were frolicking up and down my spine persistently once again. Comes the sadness, the unexplained sea of sadness drowning me once again.

Then I saw darkness and suddenly dying felt like such a relief, a sweet escape.

But I was interceeding and fully aware of what was going on. I just couldn’t shake it off!

At that point, I understood why others have opted for the sweet escape. Why even pastors have succumbed to it.

Still feeling small, I peptalked myself audibly. ‘Galilee, you have seen lows lower than this before and you have always survived it.’

I grabbed my iPad and Googled ‘lyrics of Great is thy Faithfulness song’. I started reading the words. It was meaningless at the beginning but little by little I could remember the tunes and why I loved this song. I began to remember BBC days and snorkelling, enjoying Ossobucco and climbing up the stairs of Eiffel Tower and making snowmen in Sweden’s April Weather and picking raspberries in Dalsland. More tears and emptiness was still there but I knew I was on my way to feeling better.